my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
