theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
