How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
