I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I AM VODKA MAN
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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