my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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