im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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