when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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