I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
