i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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