I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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