remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
