if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
