I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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