i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
