so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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