a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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