When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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