glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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