She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
