she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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