So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
