I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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