Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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