You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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