Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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