I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
