Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
MIDGETS
????
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
