it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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