yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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