At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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