margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
