oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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