just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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