I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
