I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
