Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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