It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
