stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
