he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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