Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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