I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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