ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
