I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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