I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
