for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
