i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
