I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
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There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize