I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
