direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
