Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
