did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
