why didn't you poke me back
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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