I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
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Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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