I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
